somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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