Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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