If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
