Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
