Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
