youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
