first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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