I wish I only lived at night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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