Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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