At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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