If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
