remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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