At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
