I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
