Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
