1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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