just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
