Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
