In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
