So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
