oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
