Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
