My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
