Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
