Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.

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(917): K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs. http://tfl.nu/lbd0

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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(781): She said she didn't have time to shave "there" (617): Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster. http://tfl.nu/ama3

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

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(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport. http://tfl.nu/vfi8

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.

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(773): Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best. http://tfl.nu/s8cg

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet

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(508): I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet http://tfl.nu/ryzv

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(917): View more from New York City

My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.

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(917): My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays. http://tfl.nu/9drw

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(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

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(985): The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH http://tfl.nu/8euf

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(974): You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it. http://tfl.nu/orv6

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(804): View more from Virginia

They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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(804): They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas. http://tfl.nu/dkws

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense

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(920): I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense http://tfl.nu/23hg

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(804): she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart" http://tfl.nu/96tn

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(540): You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened. http://tfl.nu/x4ak

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(573): Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday http://tfl.nu/t4vj

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(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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(248): sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us. http://tfl.nu/2qw1

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(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

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(512): I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me. http://tfl.nu/lmi5

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