somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.