She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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