Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
