I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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