Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
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Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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