God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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