I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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