im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
