Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
