Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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