recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
