Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize