Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
