i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
