Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
