I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
