mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
