I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The best revenge is premature balding
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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