I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Vodka?
Forever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
