he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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