I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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