Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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