is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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