If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
