i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
