I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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