Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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