you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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